Anxious Anticipation

Closing my eyes trying to silence all the noise buzzing in my ears. Staring at an empty white screen glaring in a darkened room. Transfixed on conjuring emotions I've long since ignored. I've forgotten how to feel, how to convey what my heart is saying. Praying to myself, talking myself up into a frenzy trying to think things through, trying to express myself as adequately as possible. Feeble minded at times, guilty of having more than my share of blonde moments from time to time. It seems like my head is constantly throbbing, never letting me concentrate on what I've overlooked. I've seemed to have lost my sense of humor, I've seemed to have lost my spark. I use to be so optimistic, full of hope; now all I seem to enjoy feeling is nothing at all. Lingering in thoughts of little relevance, holding my breath lest I exhale an ounce of my former self. Staring out the window, remembering days gone-by, childhood memories remain so dear I keep close to my heart. Before long I'm sure to fall apart if I cannot regain my spark somehow. When I look into the mirror my eyes appear so dim, like a light snuffed out. What my eyes convey is what my heart is feeling, numb & cold, I have yet to recapture the spirit I once had. Sitting in streets of elegance & riding in cars in haste I zoom by former days of glory to begin a new chapter in my life. Daydreaming with the sun on my face I pace myself before the rain begins. Waiting for the sun to go down, I'm anxious for the night to come & carry me off into the starlit sky full of wonder & new possibilities.

Stop

Stop the charade, put away the mask of stupidity. Stop the killings, the merciless slaying of men, women & children; melt down your guns. Stop the incessant pursuit of those weaker than yourselves, as if making slaves of the innocent will garner points in heaven. Stop the noise, the empty static cracking in my ears. The only thing mankind has evolved into is empty static, a waste of space in an otherwise ever expanding universe. If we have nothing to contribute to the betterment of ourselves, brothers & sisters, than why continue fighting?

Martyr

Robots mocking me as I journey through the circuitries of uncertainty. Staring at the aftermath while silently being stoned to death. Pummeled by a million accusations, beaten till I'm broken. Standing, drenched in blood, a crown of mockeries tattooed around my head. Slowly hopelessness slithers across the ground, creeping in as to not disturb any sense of familiarity. The days feel heavier, the sky appears darker; memories seem like a luxury I can't afford as I muster the strength to stand my ground.

Unrequinted Youth

Strip away the facade, lets make-believe we're both young & naive again. Watching The Secret World of Alex Mack or maybe Doug. Playing baseball in the park, crawling through tunnels leading to nowhere. Playing hide & seek at night, staring at the Albuquerque city lights. Camping out beneath the stars, sharing dreams & ambitions of ours. Wishing on every star as we drift into another day. I remember the days when we use to friends, when we use to share everything: now all that remains is a remnant of what use to be. Shrapnel from the end of an era.

Mr. Sand Man

Trying to muster the strength to stay up past midnight, I'm not as young as I used to be. Swaying from side to side trying to quiet the z's humming in my head. Opening windows, opening doors, trying to do anything I can to keep myself from giving in to sleep. Thumbing through old albums, turning up the volume on the t.v.--trying to flood my senses with lights & sounds. Online blogging 'bout how I'm trying to stay up for no particular reason, other than boredom. Alone in my bedroom listening to Jonsi, thinking 'bout Tegan & Sara, still nothing's quite as inspirational as to having lived a full & interesting life: filled with ups & downs. Piecing together shared memories & feelings long since due, giving in to the sand man as my thinking slowly fades to gray.

Torch

I figured out your plot

You really got me figured out

Ensnared in memories

Caught in a spider web

Picturesque beauty & unrequited romance

Leaves me feeling...

Promises so shifty

You clouded my eyes with countless lies

You stole my heart

Only to brake it in two

Played charades with my emotions

Devoured my devotion

Stuck between the motion

Of every borrowed notion

I crave your touch

Like an burn-less torch.

Skyy & Mr. Hyde

Whistling in the dark, trying to keep myself from screaming in fear. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of admitting that I'm afraid of anything. Tight-lipped for fear of giving others a foothold into my psyche. Raising my defenses lest I become another casualty like so many of my friends who trust implicitly. Never permitting myself to dive headfirst, for fear of breaking my neck. Skipping stones in the evening while fixated on the sky. Daydreaming from time to time, subquestering ideas that never come to fruition. Reading the Bible less & less these days, I used to be so full of hope, I don't know what's happen to me, life I guess? Fighting villains in my head, I'm a hero unlike any other. Swinging from tree to tree wearing nothing but my indignant intuition. Giving passer-byes the finger for flashing there headlights in my eyes. Doing something instead of nothing, laughing esoterically rather than giving a sadistic chuckle. White knuckled, I tend to beat myself down for no good reason. Hardest on myself: I could never surrender to something I wasn't sure I had no hopes of defeating. Always plotting, thinking things thoroughly to the end. Jumping into ideas that feel impulsive, standing on my head, I heard it gives good circulation to the brain. Walking in the rain trying to bottle feelings of sweet release. Picking myself up off the ground after a heavy night of drinking, I can't say no to having a good time. I used to be so free-spirited, but now all that remains of that spirit of mine is doubt & feelings of being self-conscious. Too tired to smile or to say something witty: my sarcasm has become droll & my humor lack luster. Trembling as I stand in-front of the crowd, it's not stage-fright I'm feeling; it's feelings of unworthiness & guilt that I'm experiencing. Crying without reason, crouching in the closet too guilty to cry in brood daylight. Fighting thoughts that attack without warning. Running in hopes of changing the outcome before I become what I never intended to become. Chewing fears & ungrateful poetry, I rush to turn the t.v. on to drown out my conscious from warning me of what I'm becoming.

Languishing In Thoughts Abated

Trying to focus my ideas into a cohesive thought. Dreaming about a life I've never lived. Supposing if I were someone else while stumbling into myself. Tip-toeing along trying to find my footing. Setting a net in hopes of catching a rabbit or maybe a piece of myself that's gone astray. Staring at my hands as if waiting for them to transform into some kind of creature. Languishing in thoughts abated, leaving all I know defeated. Driving through the night I wonder: what if I never find the man of my dreams, what if I never conform to what everyone wants me to be? What's the worse that could happen if I take the road less traveled. I know well the consequences to my endeavors, though I never fear the outcome to my actions. Watching black & white movies in the afternoon, wishing I were Gregory Peck or the like. Craving the spotlight from time to time. Needing to fade into the background again & again, afraid of standing out for my true self is larger than life. Consuming everything around me I engorge myself in material things, only to find myself a thing in the end. Staring in the mirror of discontent, watching as my face puts on the mask of comedy & drama. Playing this game that modern people play; I hate living in a society that values appearance over substance. Finding myself conforming to everything I hate, when I sleep at night my thoughts turn from red to white. Sinking further from reality, I find myself writing thoughts with little relativity.

A Day Like Any Other

It all started on a day like any other. I got up out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, ate some breakfast & headed off to work. Everything considered there was no way of detecting anything out of the ordinary on this average run of the mill Texas morning. When I got to work I started my usual sarcastic banter with one Ms. Chrissy, who was always up for an exchange of words. Greeted Ms. Cookie the elder of the group. Got in to a philosophical discussion with Ricky, who taught me how to speak Mandarin, well numbers at least. All in all this work day was like any other, until I was introduced to a man who world change my life forever.