Enthralled by your grace

How I long to kiss your face

My peace resides with you

In you I move & have my being

Your love prompts me to climb the highest peak

To proclaim my love for you before all the world

In days gone by you've always kept me safe

Though I dwell in the shadow of death

I shall fear no evil with your hand in mine

With your love I shall slay the demon's keeping you from me

A chasm exists between you & me

With love we shall overcome all things

With heaven before me & hell beneath me

I shall trample what sin desire has brought forth

For to love you is to aht

Remember when the time is spent

Remember me when the time is spent

Remember who you are when the flame grows cold

Release the bitterness that resides in you, that resides in me

Forgive & leave our love behind

Why spend an eternity reeling in regret & missed opportunities?

Desolate

A million eyes encircle me, a mirage of shadows stock me

Following me as I make my way through this desolate place

A thousand faces displaced

Lust invades; Hate's invasive face rules this place

God has left & so will I

For to live a life bent on rebellion will lead us all to this desolate place

Full of sorrow, full of hate: though the world chooses to debauch

This is our lot, we choose our fate.

Fall Away

Falling away into the summer day of hopes forgotten & love betrayed

Anger resonates, faith permeates the atmosphere with love & fear

Before the wounded feet of Christ men fall away & I to gray.

The face of love

So many questions flood the mind

A deluge of affections bog the psyche

Soaking the heart with salty tears of love & regret

Too upset to think about yesterday

Too blind to see the face of love dawning beyond the horizon.

Another Day

Another day, another year ends.

Another day, another year begins.

Thinking bout yesterday.

Remembering what used to be.

On my knees I pray.

Asking God for relief.

Relief from my aching heart.

And unrequited love.

Blind

Confused & frustrated I don't know anything anymore. All I thought I knew doesn't seem so clear anymore. I don't feel like I belong: at first it was work, then it was life, now it's the world. This world is not where I belong. I don't feel comfortable sharing my true feelings with anyone.

The opposite of alive

Transfiguring from good to worse

Finding myself lying in a hearse

Trying to find a verse to compensate this pain

Battery acid spewed across my face

I'm left staggering without a trace.

Static Noise

Questions fill the room

The drums of humanity foretell our doom

Just beyond the horizon the wrath of God resides

Inside all deride, all subside when the truth prevails

While mortals die reality slowly fades to black then white

The aftermath of our iniquity

Has resulted in the subsequent annihilation of all reality

Cloaked in subjectivity humanity dies

To never live again, put to death by our haughtiness & sin.

Anxious Anticipation

Closing my eyes trying to silence all the noise buzzing in my ears. Staring at an empty white screen glaring in a darkened room. Transfixed on conjuring emotions I've long since ignored. I've forgotten how to feel, how to convey what my heart is saying. Praying to myself, talking myself up into a frenzy trying to think things through, trying to express myself as adequately as possible. Feeble minded at times, guilty of having more than my share of blonde moments from time to time. It seems like my head is constantly throbbing, never letting me concentrate on what I've overlooked. I've seemed to have lost my sense of humor, I've seemed to have lost my spark. I use to be so optimistic, full of hope; now all I seem to enjoy feeling is nothing at all. Lingering in thoughts of little relevance, holding my breath lest I exhale an ounce of my former self. Staring out the window, remembering days gone-by, childhood memories remain so dear I keep close to my heart. Before long I'm sure to fall apart if I cannot regain my spark somehow. When I look into the mirror my eyes appear so dim, like a light snuffed out. What my eyes convey is what my heart is feeling, numb & cold, I have yet to recapture the spirit I once had. Sitting in streets of elegance & riding in cars in haste I zoom by former days of glory to begin a new chapter in my life. Daydreaming with the sun on my face I pace myself before the rain begins. Waiting for the sun to go down, I'm anxious for the night to come & carry me off into the starlit sky full of wonder & new possibilities.

Stop

Stop the charade, put away the mask of stupidity. Stop the killings, the merciless slaying of men, women & children; melt down your guns. Stop the incessant pursuit of those weaker than yourselves, as if making slaves of the innocent will garner points in heaven. Stop the noise, the empty static cracking in my ears. The only thing mankind has evolved into is empty static, a waste of space in an otherwise ever expanding universe. If we have nothing to contribute to the betterment of ourselves, brothers & sisters, than why continue fighting?

Martyr

Robots mocking me as I journey through the circuitries of uncertainty. Staring at the aftermath while silently being stoned to death. Pummeled by a million accusations, beaten till I'm broken. Standing, drenched in blood, a crown of mockeries tattooed around my head. Slowly hopelessness slithers across the ground, creeping in as to not disturb any sense of familiarity. The days feel heavier, the sky appears darker; memories seem like a luxury I can't afford as I muster the strength to stand my ground.

Unrequinted Youth

Strip away the facade, lets make-believe we're both young & naive again. Watching The Secret World of Alex Mack or maybe Doug. Playing baseball in the park, crawling through tunnels leading to nowhere. Playing hide & seek at night, staring at the Albuquerque city lights. Camping out beneath the stars, sharing dreams & ambitions of ours. Wishing on every star as we drift into another day. I remember the days when we use to friends, when we use to share everything: now all that remains is a remnant of what use to be. Shrapnel from the end of an era.

Mr. Sand Man

Trying to muster the strength to stay up past midnight, I'm not as young as I used to be. Swaying from side to side trying to quiet the z's humming in my head. Opening windows, opening doors, trying to do anything I can to keep myself from giving in to sleep. Thumbing through old albums, turning up the volume on the t.v.--trying to flood my senses with lights & sounds. Online blogging 'bout how I'm trying to stay up for no particular reason, other than boredom. Alone in my bedroom listening to Jonsi, thinking 'bout Tegan & Sara, still nothing's quite as inspirational as to having lived a full & interesting life: filled with ups & downs. Piecing together shared memories & feelings long since due, giving in to the sand man as my thinking slowly fades to gray.

Torch

I figured out your plot

You really got me figured out

Ensnared in memories

Caught in a spider web

Picturesque beauty & unrequited romance

Leaves me feeling...

Promises so shifty

You clouded my eyes with countless lies

You stole my heart

Only to brake it in two

Played charades with my emotions

Devoured my devotion

Stuck between the motion

Of every borrowed notion

I crave your touch

Like an burn-less torch.

Skyy & Mr. Hyde

Whistling in the dark, trying to keep myself from screaming in fear. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of admitting that I'm afraid of anything. Tight-lipped for fear of giving others a foothold into my psyche. Raising my defenses lest I become another casualty like so many of my friends who trust implicitly. Never permitting myself to dive headfirst, for fear of breaking my neck. Skipping stones in the evening while fixated on the sky. Daydreaming from time to time, subquestering ideas that never come to fruition. Reading the Bible less & less these days, I used to be so full of hope, I don't know what's happen to me, life I guess? Fighting villains in my head, I'm a hero unlike any other. Swinging from tree to tree wearing nothing but my indignant intuition. Giving passer-byes the finger for flashing there headlights in my eyes. Doing something instead of nothing, laughing esoterically rather than giving a sadistic chuckle. White knuckled, I tend to beat myself down for no good reason. Hardest on myself: I could never surrender to something I wasn't sure I had no hopes of defeating. Always plotting, thinking things thoroughly to the end. Jumping into ideas that feel impulsive, standing on my head, I heard it gives good circulation to the brain. Walking in the rain trying to bottle feelings of sweet release. Picking myself up off the ground after a heavy night of drinking, I can't say no to having a good time. I used to be so free-spirited, but now all that remains of that spirit of mine is doubt & feelings of being self-conscious. Too tired to smile or to say something witty: my sarcasm has become droll & my humor lack luster. Trembling as I stand in-front of the crowd, it's not stage-fright I'm feeling; it's feelings of unworthiness & guilt that I'm experiencing. Crying without reason, crouching in the closet too guilty to cry in brood daylight. Fighting thoughts that attack without warning. Running in hopes of changing the outcome before I become what I never intended to become. Chewing fears & ungrateful poetry, I rush to turn the t.v. on to drown out my conscious from warning me of what I'm becoming.

Languishing In Thoughts Abated

Trying to focus my ideas into a cohesive thought. Dreaming about a life I've never lived. Supposing if I were someone else while stumbling into myself. Tip-toeing along trying to find my footing. Setting a net in hopes of catching a rabbit or maybe a piece of myself that's gone astray. Staring at my hands as if waiting for them to transform into some kind of creature. Languishing in thoughts abated, leaving all I know defeated. Driving through the night I wonder: what if I never find the man of my dreams, what if I never conform to what everyone wants me to be? What's the worse that could happen if I take the road less traveled. I know well the consequences to my endeavors, though I never fear the outcome to my actions. Watching black & white movies in the afternoon, wishing I were Gregory Peck or the like. Craving the spotlight from time to time. Needing to fade into the background again & again, afraid of standing out for my true self is larger than life. Consuming everything around me I engorge myself in material things, only to find myself a thing in the end. Staring in the mirror of discontent, watching as my face puts on the mask of comedy & drama. Playing this game that modern people play; I hate living in a society that values appearance over substance. Finding myself conforming to everything I hate, when I sleep at night my thoughts turn from red to white. Sinking further from reality, I find myself writing thoughts with little relativity.

A Day Like Any Other

It all started on a day like any other. I got up out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, ate some breakfast & headed off to work. Everything considered there was no way of detecting anything out of the ordinary on this average run of the mill Texas morning. When I got to work I started my usual sarcastic banter with one Ms. Chrissy, who was always up for an exchange of words. Greeted Ms. Cookie the elder of the group. Got in to a philosophical discussion with Ricky, who taught me how to speak Mandarin, well numbers at least. All in all this work day was like any other, until I was introduced to a man who world change my life forever.

Faith & Dope

Christ hangs upon a tree

I refuse to bend my knee

Stubborn

We'll never be free

From brutality

Our mentality is dead

We've become what we dread

We are the living dead

Wounded at the head

Searching for hope

While quietly taking dope

We hang our prayers

Upon a faithless rope.

Salty Tears

Shadows stock me

Watching me

Preying on my every need

Bringing me to my knees

I search for substance

While in a trance

I fill an empty glass

With tears not my own.

A Rainbow of Color

Drowning in blood

Overtaken by a flood

Of color:

Red is what I see in you

Blue is what I find in me

Yellow is who I want to be

Green with envy

I forget to pray

I forget to say

Thank you God

For this day.

A Story You Haven't Read

Waking up at 5am

Finding broken dreams

Empty bottles of wine

Time is time

Moving to the rhythm in my mind

I commit a crime

I toss a dime to the beggar

Sleeping in my mind

Drunk

Intoxicated by sin

Humanity is dead

Seeing red

Flipping through a magazine

Here's a story of your life

You haven't read.

Beyond the Lea

Black inside

Dark am I

Without eyes

Without a sky

Alone

Pondering life

What is right?

What is wrong?

I can hear the song

Playing within

My voice muffled by the wind

I hear the end approaching

I see apocalypse dawning

Gazing beyond the sea

Everyone is bowing

On bended knee.

Letter to the Church

The world is calling, whom will you serve? Godless men in positions of power, whom will you serve? Celebrities have enveloped the american psyche, Satan has raided our inundated modern minds. We tend to focus upon the lives of others, rather than our own. I speak to Christians, to those who profess to be followers of the living God. In Christ I stand, to my brothers & sisters in Christ I write to you what is besides the obvious. I have observed what is keen, if we are the ambassadors of Christ we must remain holy, separate, different from those of this world; for this world is not our home. Our home resides within the wounds of Christ. If we preach God's word than we must speak with authority, not timidity; we mustn't give the slightest inkling that we are unsure of ourselves or afraid of what others will say or think. We mustn't revert back into preaching God's word as being nothing more than good advice, we must preach as though our very lives depend on it. Breaking the callousness of overtly rebellious & darkened people who have received watered down versions of the gospel. Those who preach without authority, whose voices quake in timidity are afraid of driving their congregations out the door. If a supposed man of God is fearful of driving people away, than he should step-down from his position in the church & offer it to one who isn't afraid of stepping on a few toes & ruffling a few feather. For too long has the church been preaching a socially acceptable gospel, that is no good news at all, for all who hear it transgress back into their sins. It would be far better if they had never learned the truth than to have learned about the truth & have forsaken it; I say this to our shame. I too am guilty of suppressing the gift God has given me, which is the gift of conviction.

Ice Heart

When winter comes my heart become cold. Why can't I find my way out of these winter snow storms? Sometimes I feel so shy & yet so bold. When winter comes I breathe deep the icy breath of sleep. Unsure of who I am, I fall upon my knees in search of life beneath the snow. Frightened by what I've unearthed, yet scientifically intrigued. Discovering myself frozen beneath the snow. Given over to cryogenics--I've become an icy hearted thing.

Epiphany

I've carried this precipice since the day I was born. Eternally climbing up this downward struggle of submission. In certain situations I hesitate to do the right thing until it's too late. I regurgitate everything I am until there's nothing left. Deaf to the pain of the pounding in my head. Scorning Cain; I blame myself for what I've come to be. Allured by the dancing flames of celebrity. Cursing love & all it's vanity. I'm in search for more than sanity in a world of uncertainty. There's one thing that I've discovered, it's that depravity lingers upon the lips of all humanity.

Fiction & Contrition

Drowning in self-doubt. Locked within this bout without a a fist-full of hope. Soon everything will disappear, to never reappear again. Dear, are you so vain that you can't see past your own reality? Left standing between fiction & contrition humanity dies, succumbing to depravity & all its vanity.

Confused Inside

So confused inside. I feel as if a part of me has died. Slowly fading into the gray--the mundane. Sinking deeper in the violet surge of hopelessness & rage. Suffocating in this anti-Christ deluge of uncertainty & pride. Branded for eternity, left graveling for relief. I was cleverly deceived by the Thief & still I've choosen to discount everything that I have heard & seen.

What have I done?

Sitting wondering, pondering, asking questions--insurmountable questions of love & penitence; long suffering & grace. When I'm in this place, this room I call my sanctuary I try to fathom the face of God; I try to fathom the depth of God's love for all of humanity. I'm so undeserving of God's time, of God's hands. Still I wonder, what have I done that mimics Jesus Christ?

Demon Leer

An empty glass sits half-empty on the counter of regret. Urgent is this, this calling--screaming louder & louder as the days pass-by. Don't ask why, don't ask when, you need only to believe. When you come to God just believe & the rest will follow; but beware for in the shadows demons leer, forever stocking those called by God.

Memento

In the darkness of the night a creature stirs. Deep within the recesses of man's conscious depravity sleeps. Insecurity run's rampant as doubt lingers in the air. Beware young man, for what you become is of your own doing. Silently screaming in the deluge of fragility, swept away by the waves of timidity & fear. Remember in the darkness what you have learned in the light, for in time the brevity of life will pass you by, leaving nothing but a memento of your life behind.

Resonance Within The Blood

Trying to figure out the meaning behind the needing. Silently screaming, bleeding, trying to free myself from a world of illusion & endless confusion. Aggravation haunts me like lyrics to a bad pop song. Gestation comes & goes. Darkness ensues me, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams. Streams of madness flow through my veins. Invisible stains plague me in every dream. Hunger pangs come & go. So slow is this, the end of the world. There's a pounding in my head that won't go away. There's a craving in my spirit, there's a thirst inside my soul. Help me, I beg of you, help me overcome these feelings of uncertainty. Grant me some kind of peace inside my heart. My mind is fragmented beyond repair. Hear what I say, listen & understand: I need love, I need guidance, I long for intimacy, I yearn for adventure, I crave substance, I thirst for righteousness, I hunger for God's Word, I burn for God & only respond to the blood of his son.

11/1/2005

Trying to adequately convey myself using pen & paper. Trying to decipher the enigma that is Skyy. I don't understand myself most of the time, but I hope to uncover the heart of who I am by documenting how I feel--slowly revealing who I truly am & hope to be. Bare with me as I begin to excavate my soul, help me to better understand your will, help me to live righteously in your sight. Sometimes I'm overcome with guilt intertwined with grief, at other times I'm stricken with joy, yet locked within a silent struggle: battling anger & rage; bitterness & revenge; doubt & hate; fear & hypocrisy; jealousy & perversity; lust & pride. Giving way to all at times, some more than others & yet I have yet to conquer these feelings of inadequacy. Though I have fallen in defeat & despair I crawl on my hands & knees hoping, praying that you will grant me the strength to vanquish these tactics of the enemy. Free me from myself; for to live is Christ & to die is gain. To die over & over again just rid myself of these demons plaguing me would be most appreciated.

6/18/2002

Here in my secret place, the snow drifts softly down upon my face, where time & space cease to exist. I lift my hands in search of you. You are greater than the air I breathe, you are my everything. Here in my secret place both you & I spend time flying on the wings of angels.

8/31/2010

I see you in my dreams; I find you waiting--secretly you've been stalking me. Whispering desires into my ear, franticly fanning the fire. You come to me when I'm sleeping: kissing me, caressing me, lulling me into a false sense of security. When I look into the mirror I see you in the back of my mind, controlling me like a puppeteer. Knowing what buttons to push, knowing what strings to pull, everything I am is wicked--rotten right down to the core. Nothing but an ordinary man, enraptured in thoughts of debauchery & drunkenness. Laughing as I spiral down into the pit of youth & stupidity. Searching for some sense of clarity, passively watching as my life spirals out of control.

6/17/2002

Down, down, I fall down upon my knees in awe of you. My life giver, my inspiration & teacher. Down, down, down, I fall prostrate with my face buried in my hands weeping, for your love bares witness the grace of mercy. Though I am but mire I raise my hands to the sky, praying to one day be sight your wounded feet. Down, down, I fall down for you are everything I yearn to be. You are the only one I want to praise. You are more than deserving of my thanks. Lord I ask that you give me the strength to overcome this callous & crooked generation, full of men who only wish to gratify the desires of the flesh.

6/17/2002

What was once a fading dream, has since become a reality. For my iniquity it slowly trickles through my my veins. My savior has since cleansed me of my wrongdoings, and has bestowed upon my head the blessing of forgiveness & hope.

6/13/2002

As I search for truth I come to the realization that everything I am is made up of a sacrifice. Lord, you have my heart, you've led me onwards towards a brand new day. Allow me to become a daily sacrifice, sacrificing everything I am so that I can be used for a greater good.

5/29/2002

Stranded, abandoned, left here all alone. Shown again & again the sin that exists within. Across this vast & illusive sea of iniquity lies shattered pieces of me. Surfacing from time to time. Questions in you are the same questions in me. Hardening my heart to the voice of mercy--to the song of love.

5/28/2002

The secret place, your magnificent face. I yearn to be-sight your loving smile, your transcendental grace. Abba, I need you so. I need you more than the air I breathe. Abba, king of love, the most holy one of Israel--I yearn to be used by you.

5/28/2002

The secret place that exists within the soul lies hidden: unpolluted by the world & it's crooked ideology. History is more than just the past; history is what we're living, right here & now. Take a moment & look around you, set your gaze upon the hidden world that exists beyond the velvet curtain. Through & through slowly we become unglued, letting go of who we used to be. Standing at the edge of the sea, staring as the waves cascade over our feet; forever waiting there for the return of our souls. My heart it burns, secretly it yearns for the king above all kings.

5/28/2002

Tumbling down a darkened world. Stumbling as I try to make my way across the river of Despair. The air is thick with the perfume of confusion; this strange aggravation is chocking me, never allowing me to inhale the truth before me. Tumbling as I venture down the path less taken, stumbling as I try to stand firm in my convictions.